Divorce

By Allison Berman
June 23, 2009

I have unfortunately watched several close friends get divorced and go through the painful process of re-building their own lives while trying to cause little disruption to their children's, but sometimes unfortunately it's unavoidable.

One parent frequently wants to start over in a new town while the other is tied professionally to the community and can't move. Parents who previously took advantage of a close proximity between their "office" and home might no longer have that luxury. Parents who were home raising children are re-entering the workforce, getting jobs outside the home.

So, what are you supposed to do to help your child adjust to the reality that you might not have as much time with them as you once did?

I posed that question to Jeffrey Roosa, of Roosa Counseling, in Middletown, Rock Hill, and Newburgh. The first step he said is "Divorcees should find an outside stabilizing force. Not a friend or family member - someone impartial - a therapist or religious advisor. The goal is not to fix your ex-spouse. You can't change someone else. You can only change your own behavior - and how you react to someone else."

Next, focus on paying the bills. During the work day focus on your career not your personal life. That's not to say you shouldn't tell your manager, but your office is a place for working, period. And learning to put your emotions aside during the workday will help you co-parent your child with your ex. And if you can co-parent with little drama, that will mitigate the disruption in your child's life.

Some divorces are amicable; no attorneys just a mediator. I know of one such situation where the parents live in the same town and share custody. The kids take the bus to and from school from both parents' homes. But since this "Bruce Willis/Demi Moore divorce" seems to be the exception, how do parents help their children to adjust when they are potentially engaged in bitter custody or financial battles with their ex?

Do what you can to demonstrate to your child, regardless of where he lives, and other changes in your lives, he is important to you. If you meet someone new, after dating several months, when you are confident this is "the one"; then introduce your child gradually.

Thinking about remarrying?

Slowly, plant the seeds of an impending engagement, allowing your child time to adjust. Then, tell her about the engagement privately without the future Mr. or Mrs. so your child can feel comfortable telling you what she's really thinking.

It may seem sweet, but experts suggest your fiance shouldn't present your child with her own ring (a trend started by actor Matt LaBlanc when he proposed to his now ex-wife Melissa McKnight's daughter). Kids don't get engaged because they aren't emotionally equipped.

The key says Roosa, "Let your child feel loved unconditionally. Respect her needs, even if they are in conflict with your own, so she learns to protect and respect herself." Like Aretha Franklin sang, "all I'm askin' is for a little respect." Isn't that what we all are looking for?

Allison Berman, an artist and mother of two, handpaints custom home accessories for interior designers and private customers. She works out of her home studio in Warwick, NY. See her collection at www.withlovealib.com. She can be reached at ali@withlovealib.com. Her column appears Tuesdays.