Marriage Requires Compromise

By Allison Berman
March 23, 2010

I had finally mastered finding time for my friends, my family and my hectic work schedule when I met my the man who is now my husband. And so I set out to balance my career, my family, my friends and my new boyfriend.

Finding time to date was a challenge. He wasn't "geographically desirable." I lived on the Upper East Side, he on Staten Island - not really conducive to a "getting-to-know-you" drink after work. I started my day at 9 or 10 in the morning, when he was already half way through his.

I was managing a marketing department, learning how to perform a lot of my responsibilities as I encountered them, which left me with little time to chitchat. And considering how overly scheduled my husband's days are today, it's funny to remember how much free time he used to have that he would spend calling me.

Balancing differences

And so a lot of our "getting to know you" occurred via modern day letter-writing - e-mail. We discovered how much we had in common, and we realized some very big differences in our lifestyles - other than our careers - that we would need to "balance."

My husband's house was meticulously clean. My apartment was always neat and in order (not shocking) but it was never clean. His fridge was always stocked. I used my tiny New York City kitchen primarily for storage. I kept papers in my kitchen cabinets and unused pots and pans in my oven. And rather than buying a coffee pot, on the weekends, I ordered in breakfast because I knew I would never be responsible enough to have fresh milk.

Nine years ago today, with some issues balanced and some we continue to try to figure out today, my husband proposed. I was newly unemployed, an unfortunate victim of the busting dot-com bubble. I was both thrilled and terrified by his proposal, because I loved him but knew merging our lives would mean new balancing acts, and after losing my job I was scared to go through any more big changes.

Life throws curve balls

Nine years later, my life doesn't even vaguely resemble the one I had then. I live in Warwick. I am a stay-at-home mom to two amazing children. I have my own business, an adorable dog and a lifestyle that is so hectic it makes my city life seem relaxing.

My husband still starts his days hours before I do, and I still end mine hours after he does. My house isn't as clean as his was - though it isn't nearly as dirty as my apartment was, either. And I have discovered that every time I think I have achieved balance, life throws me a new curve ball.

Each new professional endeavor we tackle, and each new stage our children experience translates to new challenges in my attempt to balance my career, my family and most recently, myself. But, at least I now am the proud owner of a coffee pot, and there is always fresh milk in my fridge to get me through the day.

Allison Berman, an artist and mother of two, works out of her home studio in Warwick. She paints one-of-a-kind home accessories, specializing in kids' décor. See her collection at www.withlovealib.com. She can be reached at info@withlovealib.com. Her column appears Tuesdays.