No More Michael

By Allison Berman
April 7, 2009

The "conflict-phobe" that I am, not only do I hate to say no, I also hate giving negative feedback. Today unfortunately I couldn't avoid it.

The day started off fairly normal. I gave the kids breakfast, started the laundry, emptied and reloaded the dishwasher. I bundled up the baby, drove my older daughter to school, rushed home to get the baby down for her nap and quickly threw on some lipstick switching from "Executive Momma" to "Business Entrepreneur".

Someone was coming at 11:30 to babysit and clean the house so I could go to 2 important meetings. At 11:50 he wasn't here, and his cell was going straight to voicemail. I briefly contemplated bringing my toddler with me, probably not a good idea... About 5 minutes after I canceled my first appointment the babysitter arrived.

In my attempt to learn how to be a good manager and deliver negative feedback successfully, I explained if he had called when he realized he was going to be late I would have tried to push back my meeting rather than canceling outright. He was sorry but his morning was terrible... his phone battery was dead... and why can't I just call them back and go to my meeting now?

This is why I avoid conflicts. I was seething, "I didn't know the kind of day he had?!" In my attempt to be a good manager I explained I make commitments based on his commitment to be here and when he lets me down, I let other people down. I understand getting delayed, and batteries dying, but that doesn't negate his responsibility to find a way to reach me so I can honor my commitments.

I obviously was disappointed to miss my meetings, and embarrassed to cancel last minute. It might surprise you, but I also felt bad knowing by asserting myself and my needs I made the babysitter's bad day worse. Avoiding the conflict would have been more comfortable in the short term, but long term it was better to address the situation.

I need a babysitter who can be flexible when meetings come up, and I need to be able to count on them. If someone agrees to meet me about selling my products in their store I say "Thank you, when would be good for you," and I am there. In order to do that I need my babysitter to be punctual and I can't be flexible with that. As it turns out, my babysitter needs job flexibility too so we parted ways.

I don't think I will ever feel ok giving negative feedback to people I manage, and I don't know if I will ever be comfortable saying no, but I am no longer willing to place a higher value on someone's needs above my own. So, I stuck to my New Year's Resolution and said "NO, it was not okay to be late for work without calling." Four months into the year, I am struggling, but so far I am keeping my resolution. How are you doing on yours?

Allison Berman, an artist and mother of two, handpaints custom home accessories for interior designers and private customers. She works out of her home studio in Warwick, NY. See her collection at www.withlovealib.com. She can be reached at ali@withlovealib.com. Her column appears Tuesdays.