No matter what happens, we can choose happiness

By Allison Berman
August 11, 2009

A close friend bought me a painting with a quote that made her think of me. "As much as I try to be an easygoing, stretch-your-wings-and-fly type, I just can't stop trying to burst people into flames with my mind."

Most people who meet me believe I have a perpetually sunny disposition. For the most part, that's true. But unless I live my life in a bubble, some days are going to be less than sunny, regardless of what I do. So I have stopped focusing my energy on trying to prevent bad days from happening. Instead, I now try to find strategies to make bad days a little better.

I obviously start with the basics: snuggling with my mushy toddler or listening to my 5-year-old play the piano. If I can get into a groove painting or writing, I can block out the rest of the world and temporarily stop obsessing about whatever is bothering me.

When that doesn't work, I have been trying a technique suggested by a woman who is significantly more enlightened than I am. She believes, regardless of what goes on around us, "we are each responsible for our own happiness."

I admit it's daunting, yes, but if you think about it, it's also incredibly empowering.

Her thought is: If someone treats you badly, you aren't responsible for the way they treat you (shame on them), but you do ultimately have the choice to find your own happiness, regardless of other people's actions.

By her logic, you can't make a jerk treat you nicely, but you can decide not to take her rants any more personally than you would if someone told you your skin was green. Her point being: Why would you give credence to unsubstantiated, unwarranted attacks on your work or your character?

And then there are the really tough days, when I have to cancel an important meeting because the baby sitter doesn't show and my older daughter decides she wants to wear a fancy party dress to camp. My younger daughter smears Vaseline all over my hardwood floor and the dog throws up on the white rug. The days when I apply a sealer to a perfectly painted project — only to find out (too late) that there is something wrong with it, and I now have to start the order from scratch "»

On those special days, I have been known to regress to my childhood days of make-believe (the reason why my friend bought me the painting). I pretend to smoosh people's heads like ants between my thumb and my pointer finger and I picture my stresses and stressors literally going up in smoke.

A little drastic, perhaps, but considering I am not able to do it a la Drew Barrymore in "Firestarter," I have found it to be a relatively safe outlet for my negative energy.

Start each morning hoping for sunny days. When they aren't, do what you can to make your own small ray of happiness, and if that doesn't work, having a fantasy life helps a lot.

Allison Berman, an artist and mother of two, handpaints custom home accessories for interior designers and private customers. She works out of her home studio in Warwick, NY. See her collection at www.withlovealib.com. She can be reached at ali@withlovealib.com. Her column appears Tuesdays.