Holiday Gift Giving Etiquette

By Allison Berman
December 22, 2009

In these weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year's, people traditionally give presents to loved ones and not-so-loved ones. We give tips and bonuses (fancy words for gifts) to thank employees and service providers. But sometimes I believe it's OK not to give gifts, and it might even be wrong to give.

I grew up knowing the mailman who came to my family's door step each morning, the milkman who delivered milk weekly, and the paper boy who personally collected the "paper money" monthly for his route. My parents tipped them all, but they knew when my family wouldn't be home and didn't want deliveries.

Bonus tied to performance
I call an automated telephone number or go online to request vacation stops. Yet, in the last weeks, I received holiday cards from my mail carrier, and both my Times Herald-Record and New York Times newspaper delivery people. And they all conveniently provided me with their home addresses so I could easily send their tips they were not so subtly requesting.

My bonuses were always tied to my performance, and as psyched as I was to get the money, it was also a nice indicator that my boss thought I was doing my job well. Doesn't mandatory tipping dilute, if not entirely eliminate the significance of a tip?

Where do we draw the line?
However, I find holiday party etiquette to be even more elusive. It's a gift-giving minefield. Is it nice to give gifts to all the "children," or do you leave people feeling they have to reciprocate? Or are you a scrooge if you don't buy for everyone? Where do you draw the line?

I buy my husband and each of my two daughters eight gifts (one for each night of Hanukkah), and presents for each of my seven nieces and nephews - 31 gifts! Plus my husband gets me 8 - that's 39 presents! Who has time to shop for more than that or the money to spend?

Last year, I also gave my brother-in-law and his girlfriend a cute picture of my older daughter fixing our dishwasher with her uncle. They buy gifts for my kids, and have none for us to reciprocate.

When I realized that left my brother and sister-in-law the only "party people" for whom I wasn't buying presents, even though I buy gifts for their kids, I gave them a picture of my niece and brother on an excavator from when my niece was little. (I am usually more than a few steps behind distributing pictures.)

Well, my brother-in-law's girlfriend bought gifts for my husband and me, so I felt bad I didn't get them a bigger gift. And my sister-in-law felt bad she didn't get anything for us. Can you say gift-giving gone wrong?

So this year I didn't buy anything for my brother and sister-in-law, but I bought something for my brother-in-law and his girlfriend. When I gave him the gift (she couldn't come), he said, "I thought we don't do gifts?" I explained, "We don't, but we got you something because you buy gifts for our girls."

Whew! Now who do I tip?

To give holiday presents, or not to give holiday presents. That is my question.

Allison Berman, an artist and mother of two, handpaints custom home accessories for interior designers and private customers. She works out of her home studio in Warwick, NY. See her collection at www.withlovealib.com. She can be reached at ali@withlovealib.com. Her column appears Tuesdays.