Temper tantrums

By Allison Berman
March 17, 2009

It has been getting progressively more difficult to find "time" and I decided a BlackBerry could help me be more efficient. My daughter asked if she could come with me, in theory to help. The reality was her behavior wasn't so helpful.

It took much longer than I had anticipated, and the salesman needed my undivided attention to set up everything. So, like most children, faced with the choice of not getting enough attention or getting negative attention, my daughter tried for whatever kind of attention she could get. When that didn't work, she resorted to "I have to go to the bathroom, IT'S AN EMERGENCY!"

I was pretty sure it was a sham, but I couldn't really chance it. Verizon's restroom is not for pubic use, so we quickly walked to Panera - used their facility and bought a couple muffins as a "thank you". My daughter chatted happily until she realized we were going back to Verizon. I ended up dragging her back to Verizon kicking and screaming.

I needed to deal with my 5 year old.

I was tempted to put her in a corner to calm down or maybe take away a privilege? Instead I scooped her up and gave her a hug. Surprising choice perhaps, but I knew she wanted to "be good" and was having trouble communicating her frustration in a productive fashion and I wanted to do what I could to help her succeed. I still wasn't able to focus my attention on her but being connected to me physically helped her calm down.

As I held her, I told her I was tired and frustrated too, and I appreciated her calming down. She looked at me skeptically. Even though she was having trouble using good manners, I appreciated her trying to behave nicely?

Her demeanor changed instantly. She wanted to make me even more proud by actually behaving. Eventually I was able to put her down. She forgot about her tears and focused on the idea that when we were done we could go home.

Note to parents: Next time you find yourself in a highly explosive battle of the wills with your child; it might serve you well to ignore your impulse to debate and punish. Try to find compassion (I know it can be especially tough in those situations.) I lovingly demanded proper behavior and gave my daughter the opportunity to seek positive attention. My kid went for it, maybe yours will too.

The truth is I was in part to blame for her behavior; I shouldn't have brought her. I say I brought her for her (she did ask) but I brought her for me. I felt guilty I hadn't given her as much alone time as I used to, but this wasn't quality time with my child. It was "try to squeeze in time" and it wasn't fair to my daughter, the people in the store, or me.

Hopefully my BlackBerry will help me find some more hours in the day so I can find some alone time with my daughter, quality alone time...

Allison Berman, an artist and mother of two, handpaints custom home accessories for interior designers and private customers. She works out of her home studio in Warwick, NY. See her collection at www.withlovealib.com. She can be reached at ali@withlovealib.com. Her column appears Tuesdays.