Doing What You Want Beats What You Should

By Allison Berman
September 29, 2008

Stop "shoulding" yourself.

Get your mind out of the gutter! I said "shoulding." I am proposing we stop living our lives doing what we feel we "should" do and start doing what makes us happy.

I am not suggesting committing carnal sins, mind you. I am talking about women who nurse their infants or stay home to raise their kids, not because they want to, but because of a societal "should."

I am talking about inviting Aunt Betty to come over for a visit out of obligation, when you really want to spend a quiet day at home in your pajamas lounging around with your spouse and your kids after a long week at work.

I am talking about staying in a job that makes you miserable rather than exploring your professional options and taking a chance on your dream to start your own business because keeping a steady paycheck is the right thing, the responsible thing, to do. These are some of the many ways we "should" ourselves daily.

One of my younger daughter's first sentences was, "I want it," followed shortly thereafter by, "I don't want it." And at 2, she is living her life "shouldless." According to Freud, that is because my daughter still lives in the id stage of development, when we are concerned only with the most basic of instincts - to seek pleasure and avoid pain. If everything goes well, we develop an ego (impulse control) and a super-ego (our source of pride and punishment, the dispenser of emotional rewards and guilt, the "should" factory in our brain).

Are selfish people better off?

For the most part, I have a developed ego and super-ego, and I have learned to comply with society's social norms, but I confess, sometimes I want to go back to the id stage and turn off the shoulds in my head. The angel whispering, "Do the right thing." The devil, "Do what you want."

What is so evolved about being selfless and suppressing your happiness? And what is so devilish about being selfish and doing what makes you happy?

I count some of the more selfish people in my life as some of the happiest people I know. The only problem is, instead of shoulding themselves, these selfish people frequently should the rest of us to get what they want. I don't aspire to should someone else, but what if I just stop shoulding myself?

Working makes this mom happy

After all, when I silenced my "maternal should" and pursued some of my professional goals, I actually became a better mother, even though my kids no longer had my undivided attention. How? I am much happier, which makes me a whole lot nicer to be around, which in turn makes my husband and my kids happier, because, as Dr. Phil likes to say, "If the momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

Maybe these happy "selfish" people, not Freud, are on the right track. Maybe being evolved means not shoulding ourselves or anyone else. Maybe that's what we "should" be doing.

Allison Berman, an artist and mother of two, handpaints custom home accessories for interior designers and private customers. She works out of her home studio in Warwick, NY. See her collection at www.withlovealib.com. She can be reached at ali@withlovealib.com. Her column appears Tuesdays.